the brightest moon

08 Mar, 2025

i stared at the ceiling. sitting on the couch, my legs dangling off the side, i tried to pass the time. i thought of all the things i wanted to say when she got home. waiting so long was a little sad, but exciting, too. i could surprise her with another one of my poems, or draw a portrait for her to keep in her room. i could make something tasty for her to eat, or maybe just pamper her with a long, warm hug, and a bunch of sappy words. there were so many ways i could shower her with love once that door swang open; i always become giddy whenever i think about it.

i pick my phone up from the table, quickly opening my gallery. i gazed at the many photos i took whenever we had a chance to spend some special alone time. i always thought she looked really pretty, and that her smile made me the happiest girl in the world… but she didn’t always smile, and she often had a sad, longing gaze whenever i wasn’t looking. if you’d only seen these photos, and never spent a second with her, you might think she was never, ever sad. i don’t think she lets anyone else see her like this… but i don’t want to have any sad memories, so these photos are my treasure. when our time together hits one year… i want to let her look through all our warm memories…

just then, i heard the door handle start to move, and a click popped out from behind the frame. it opened slowly, as if to gently welcome in an old friend.

“cathy…!” i hastily threw my phone onto the couch, before dashing up to mom and hugging her as tight as i could. i got on my tippy toes for maximum effect..!! i felt a hand slowly run through my hand, and when i looked up, i saw the small smile i’d grown used to…

“cute as always…” she softly chuckled, stroking my hair so soothingly… “did you miss me?”

“mhmm…” i whimpered. “you’re not at school! and if you work, it’s five more hours i have to wait…! i wish you never had to work..”

“aww, don’t say that.” she lowered herself to hug me at my level, nuzzling my face with her cheek. “you know i have to keep you happy and healthy.”

“mmm…” i pouted, before giving in and embracing her with everything i had. we stood in the hallway for a minute more before her arms parted and she stood back up. when she did, i saw a face that was even more tired than i thought it would be… she must have noticed my stare, and gave me an apologetic smile.

“sorry… it was a rough day,” she said, averting her gaze, staring at nothing in particular. “i promise i’ll get a better job, soon.. i’m sure an interview’s around the corner,” she hastily added, putting on a bright smile. it felt like that smile was hurting her.

“cathy…” i murmured. “um.. um!! i made us something to eat! do you wanna….?” “of course, sweetie. you’re always helping me out, but thank you…”

she moved to prepare our plates, but i tugged on her sleeve and gestured for her to sit at the table. “it’s okay, you worked enough today…”

“if you say so…” she sighed. hesitantly, she let me take care of the meal as i excitedly served up two plates for us both, with some napkins, a fork and knife, and a glass of water at the table. i did my best to make the arrangement look fancy, even though it wasn’t really anything special… but that seemed to cheer her up a bit, since she moved my chair a little closer to hers, rubbing soft circles on my back… that made me so happy, i gobbled down my food as fast as possible without even realizing it. when i looked back up at her, she could hardly hold herself back from giggling. i blushed a little, and tried to slow down my pace.

“i get it,” she giggled. “you really do miss me… i’ll work harder for us both, okay? don’t worry about a thing.”

“mhm!! i’ll work hard for us, too! at school, at homework, at art, at everything! just you watch..!”

“eheheh… that’s right, i’ll give it my best for college, too. can’t have my little one outdoing me in grades,” she playfully teased, pinching my cheek. i wasn’t expecting that, so i let out a little blush before stuffing mouthful after mouthful of food down my throat.

when we wrapped up, i happily carried everything to the sink and began washing it clean. she stood up and followed after me, pitching in to help. when i tried to stop her, she softly spoke, “let me at least do this much…”

as we finished taking care of that, i gave her some space to settle in for the night and change her clothes. while i waited outside her bedroom door, i checked my phone, happily scrolling through my photos. i could wait forever if i never lost these wonderful memories…

i got lost in the piles of pictures, and scrolled my thumb far up the gallery. i might have pressed a little too hard, because, before long, i was at the very start of my collection. these were very old, so they didn’t have cathy in them, but that’s fine, let me scroll a little down, and..

“h..huh…”

a photo of two adults. one was a man, one was a woman. they were holding my shoulders. i sat in front of a cake, twelve candles piled on top. in a house that wasn’t mine, with a shirt i didn’t want to wear, and a haircut i didn’t choose.

that’s not me. that’s not my mom, and i don’t have a dad. stop it, i don’t want to remember, this makes me sick… why am i staring, i can’t take my eyes off, it’s so horrible and disgusting and gross and awful and terrible and worthless and worthless and worthless, just delete it already, i don’t need this, i never needed them, they never wanted me, they were never my mom and dad because a mom and dad would never want to do something like that to their own daughter, stop it, you’re remembering too much, i don’t want this, i don’t like this, i don’t…

“hazel,” i heard a voice from behind call. startled, i dropped my phone onto the couch cushion in front of me.

“hazel…” her voice rose. it wasn’t harsh, no, she wasn’t mad… she looked so worried, so concerned… she quickly wrapped both of her arms around me, and pressed me tight against her chest.

“mom…”
“shh, it’s okay…” she soothed, running her fingers through my hair again. “it’s okay, honey. you’re okay.”

she always insisted she wasn’t really my mom, so i tried not to call her that… but the word slipped out in that moment. she didn’t retort like she usually did, though.

my heart was pounding fast. i could barely breathe, and i was getting dizzy. she must have heard me hyperventilating…

“i’m sorry….. i’m sorry, sorry….”
“it’s okay… hazel, i promise, it’s fine…”

we sat like that for a while, holding each other tight. when my breathing steadied, she looked into my eyes. hers were so soft, so warm…

“they’re out of your life now,” she whispered. “remember? they won’t come back,” she reassured.

“do you promise…?”
“i promise.”
“really, really promise?”
“i really, really promise.”
“forever and ever?”
“forever and ever…”

a heavy sigh escaped my lips. slowly, i picked up my phone.
“can you…?”
“yes,” she replied, without skipping a beat. she took the phone from my hands and made a few swift motions with her fingers. when she handed it back to me, i couldn’t find that picture again.

“come,” she whispered, holding my hand.
“o-okay…”
wiping the tears away from my eyes, i stood up with her.

slowly, we walked into her bedroom. my hand shook just a little.

leading me onto the mattress, she sat up and gestured for me to sit on her lap. i happily followed.

“so warm…” i murmured. “cozy pillow…”
i heard a chuckle behind me. that alone was enough to snap me out of my anxious trance, embarrassing me enough to start pouting in front of her.
“aww, don’t give me that look, come on…” she said, pinching one of my cheeks. “you’re this cute, don’t blame me…”

“hmph!” i sighed. “so mean…”

this was always the best part of every day. it made everything else worth it.

she held me tight, and i wrapped my arms around her. i always got really clingy at night, so she’d have to remind me that i had a strict bedtime… but tonight, it felt like our time together went on forever… maybe it’s cause tomorrow was a Saturday, but she let me hug her for as long as i wanted.

at some point, i got out of her lap and picked up a little stuffed bunny from the corner of the room. i hopped back on the bed, resting my head on her shoulder as i idly played with the little cute bunny…

i don’t know how long we spent. the two of just, like this.

since we were so, so quiet, my mind kept wandering.

i didn’t like how much i couldn’t let go of some thoughts...
i didn’t know how else to get rid of them, so, before long, i just blurted it all out.

“cathy…” i murmured, looking distantly into the bunny’s eyes. “is it… really okay?”
“mmh? what do you mean, sweetie?”
“i.. i mean… you work.. so hard… and.. and i just complain… a-and you’re so tired every day… i..”
she squeezed my hand. i froze for a moment, before continuing.
“sometimes i think… if i didn’t.. tell you about my home… you’d be happier…”
“sweetie, i—”
“c-cause then.. cause then they wouldn’t have.. made you… t-take care of me..”

she was still silent, so i went on just a bit more.

“and then you wouldn’t be... so stressed, all the time...”

she squeezed my hand tighter. it hurt a little, so i winced, and she let out a quick “sorry” before loosening her grip. she rubbed circles on the back of my hand.. probably trying to figure out what to say.

she let out a soft sigh, before resting her chin on top of my head.
“hazel,” she whispered. “you don’t know how lucky i am…”

she never gave me direct answers. it was really kind of annoying. i was going to tell her that, but she suddenly shifted to open her bedside drawer. from it, she took out a fancy, purple book. i’d never seen it before, so i was going to ask her about it. but then she opened a page. i sat up, reading with all my focus, and...

before i knew it, i found myself giving her the tightest hug possible.
my breathing was a little shaky, and my hands were fidgeting.

i tried not to cry all over again.

for a long time, neither of us said anything. then, she spoke up.
“you got your answer, didn’t you?”

the rest of that night was a blur. before i knew it, she was telling me that i had to go back to my own room, sleep in my own bed, and so on. i didn’t really care about that, but she always thought i needed my own space. for someone who says she isn’t my mom, she really acts like one…

when we reached the door to my room, i gave her another hug. then, i stepped back, looking down at the floor.

“good night, little hazel.”
she gave me the sweetest smile as she went back to her own room.

“good night...” i murmured,
stepping into my bedroom.

i got under the covers, still hugging that stuffed bunny. i was so giddy, i couldn’t stay still… so i squeezed that plushie again and again, until it really felt like i was hurting the poor thing.. i gave it a pat on the head and apologized to it, before putting it down next to me and lying on my back.

i thought back to what was on that page.

“February 2nd, 2025
I’ve fallen behind harder than I thought was possible. I’ve got a bunch of things overdue, and worse than that, none of these interviews have landed me a single hit. I’m really worried about providing for Hazel. I can always bring her back to her parents, but that’s not feasible if I want her to be happy. They wouldn’t even call her Hazel, so the thought makes me sick.

I was just about to collapse when I got home. I couldn’t even hide it from her like I usually did, so she should have soured when she saw my eyebags and that ugly frown of mine. But she kept smiling as if nothing in the world was wrong. Her mood was a little contagious, so I asked her something like, “what does a rascal like you have to smile about today,” and I got my answer.

“To celebrate my new mom,” she said, “I’m making a gift for her!”
I was curious, so I let that comment slide. She quickly hurried off to her room, and dashed back with a piece of paper in her hands. She held it in front of her with the widest smile she could muster.

There wasn’t a single word written on it. What was there, however… that kid really is precious, isn’t she.
I hope she can grow up to become a famous artist someday.

The first chance I got, I tucked it away into one of my work folders. When things get rough, one look at that will be all I need.

I still worry for her. It’s not like I’m opposed to being a mother figure… I just don’t want to hurt her when she’s already gone through so much. The last thing she needs is another disappointment of a parent.

Maybe someday, I’ll be a woman who can call herself a mother.
Until then, if there’s any happiness I can give her,
that’s all I need, really.”

the moon shone on me through the bedroom window.

it must have been the brightest moon tonight.

#writing