playing pretend
It will never be me, and I’m learning to find peace in blaming myself.
these self-deprecating words linger on my screen. each letter burns itself into my retinas. it was supposed to be the first sentence of many, but this alone is enough to knock the wind out of my sails. my first thought had been to erase it, of course… but if i did, i’d be greeted by an equally depressing blank page. it’d be like proving myself right, wouldn’t it?
“there’s no point, really…” i mutter to myself, my hand moving to close the lid of my laptop. at this late hour, the white light from my screen makes it hard for my eyes to stay open. but if i fall asleep, i’ll go back to putting this off, won’t i? if i’m as weak a person as to lose my drive within a single day, maybe it’s not even worth—
“You’re annoying me,” a voice from the side interjects. “More than usual.”
i turn around, a little startled. oh, of course it’s her. she comes and goes as she pleases, so i can never really know when she’ll have something to say… hasn’t it been a while, actually?
“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” she says with a sigh. she wraps an arm around my shoulder, her side pressing against me on the cramped bed. “Here, let me see.”
she blinks once, then twice, before snorting. i turn around for a moment, catching a glimpse of her obnoxious, snarky grin. “I knew you had it rough, but you don’t seriously think…?”
“i don’t know, maybe? it’s… hard not to, when—”
“You’re stupid. I don’t know what else you want to hear.”
she shoves my hands off the computer, invading my personal space as her fingers glide across the keyboard.
It will never be me, and I’m learning to find peace in blaming myself.
jk if you hate me that’s your problem
she giggles, like she’s made her funniest joke yet. she leans back against the headboard, twirling a strand of hair.
for a moment, i stare at the two separate lines on my screen. she’s made her point, but this doesn’t help my writer’s block at all. my fingers itch, wanting to type some more, before ultimately giving up and shutting down my PC.
“i haven’t heard from you in a while,” i mumble, avoiding eye contact as i set the laptop aside on a nearby table. “i’ve been in my head a lot, so i haven’t really… i don’t know. sometimes i forget you’re really here until you really, really want to be. i wish i was better for you.”
“You forget I’m living with you,” she says, with a flat, uncaring voice. “Or, well… to put it more bluntly, you wish I wasn’t here.”
“no, i just— it’s just easy to feel like i’m playing pretend, that’s all. i mean, i’ve met other people like me, but i still don’t know if i’m the real deal. if this is all in my head, or if it’s… uh, all in my head.”
“But you don’t know one way or another, do you? So until then, stop ignoring me.”
the anger in her voice is subdued, but it’s there. i look over my shoulder, and i can see the disappointment in her eyes. it roots me to the spot for just a moment. i take a deep breath, climbing back into bed.
“That needs to stop being your life. I don’t really mean the part where you ignore me, I mean, you know.”
“i know…”
“You were a kid. If they didn’t forgive you back then, they never will.”
i close my eyes, before reaching for one of my pillows. i pull it tight against my chest, clutching it in my fingers like it’s the only thing there. i open my eyes, and before i can think of something to say, ‘she’ isn’t there anymore. i smile.
“good night,” i whisper, to no one in particular.